Friday, December 02, 2011

Top 10 Moustaches of SF - A Salute to Movember

Things got a little hairy around the world last month, as men grew moustaches for Movember. The month-long event every November sees thousands of men and their supporters involved in a superheroic effort to create awareness about men's health, specifically prostate cancer, and raise funds to fight the disease.

While I didn't take part directly because I already have a moustache and beard and have no desire to shear and regrow them, I did make sure to donate to the fundraising efforts of friends who were cultivating their facial hair for this great cause. If you don't know anyone who's fundraising, I highly recommend going to your national Movember site and making a donation on your own.

While things officially came to a close Wednesday night - and many moustaches were trimmed off shortly thereafter - I did have at least one friend who was still fundraising yesterday, so I decided to hold-off on this wrap-up salute to Movember until today.

Which leads me to the first list I've done in a while (don't ask me why; sheer laziness, I suspect): The Top 10 Moustaches of SF.

Now, I think I should be clear here about the characters who made the cut in this facial hair forum: only those sporting moustaches. Just moustaches. No beards, goatees, love brushes or any other chin-and-jaw accompaniment.

So without further ado, I present to you:

The Top 10 Moustaches of SF:

10) Tik-Tok - the Oz books by L. Frank Baum
This clockwork man makes the list not only for being one of, if not the first robots in English literature, but for being one that came with a moustache. In your face (plate), R2D2!

9) Father Squid - the Wildcards books edited by George R.R. Martin
The gentle spiritual leader of Jokertown in the Wildcards books, Father Squid never really plays more than a supporting role, and so can't rate higher on this list. He does qualify though, because the result of his joker draw from the Wildcard virus' deck is an unforgettable take on facial hair - a moustache of writhing tentacles.

8) Wash - Firefly "Out of Gas"
Ah, Wash. Great pilot, toy dinosaur aficionado, man with unparalleled taste in shirts. And, at one point, as we see in a flashback in the episode revealing how Serenity's crew came together, a dude who was proudly rockin' a 'stache. Not the best-looking upper-lip caterpillar in the 'Verse, but a good try none-the-less. I sometimes wonder if Wash would have survived the Reaver attack after his stunning landing at Mr. Universe's hideout if he'd still had his moustache. Probably. But, because he didn't, and he died, he doesn't warrant a higher position on this list.

7) Ranger Korman - The Clockwork Century series by Cherie Priest
What can you say? Any hombre who's tough enough to track the mystery of the cause of zombie outbreaks all across the Old West and still take pride in sporting a mighty big moustache is a man worthy of respect. 'Nuff said.

6) Harry Mudd - Star Trek
Memorable not only for being the only non-regular character to appear in more than one episode of the original series (3, if memory serves), but for his well-oiled handlebar moustache, Harry Mudd is one of those characters who's so slimy you just love to hate him. Harry's proof that you should never take your eye off of a conman like him, not only so you can avoid his schemes, but also so you can get grooming tips for your own facial hair.

5) Porco Rosso - Porco Rosso
He may be cursed to look like a pig, but that doesn't stop Marco "Porco Rosso" Pagot from being an ace fighter pilot, badass bare-knuckle brawler, dapper dresser, and the cultivator of a neat little moustache that would be the envy of any silver screen swashbuckling actor of yesteryear. The only downside: if you managed to beat him in a fight and make bacon out of him, you'd be spitting little hairs out of your mouth through the entire meal.

4) Captain Chaos - The Cannonball Run
Is he simply the alternate personality of a delusioned mild-mannered, overweight mechanic, or is he some sort of entity locked in a cape and cowl that takes benevolent possession of its wearer to fight for good? Either way, Captain Chaos is a superhero meant to inspire the people (even if he only tends to annoy most of them). Always jolly and boundlessly optimistic, his girth doesn't prevent him from displaying significant strength, superhuman durability and endurance, and an unnatural ability to coach speeds out of engines beyond what they should be capable of doing. And, best of all, Captain Chaos proudly displays a moustache, like a flag of justice across his lower lip. Go, Chaos!

3) Captain Henry Gloval - Robotech/Macross
A veteran of a world-war, Henry Gloval is thrust to the front lines once again as he's placed in command of a massive alien spacecraft that's crashed on Earth and been salvaged and rebuilt. Gloval then becomes shepherd to not only his crew, but a displaced city full of people as he tries to get the ship home in a running battle across the solar system, pursued by the fleets of the Zentraedi. Gloval manages to strike an alliance with some of the warlike aliens, then battle through to victory against overwhelming enemy forces. His last act: to save his second-in-command by thrusting her into an escape pod as their ship comes crashing down around them. Is there any doubt this hero of Space War I could have done all of this without the aid of his moustache?

2) Admiral William Adama - Battlestar Galactica
Admittedly, old Bill Adama only grows his moustache when he's in a down-and-out phase, or during periods where he's waiting between times of greatness. But I think there's a reason for that: growing his moustache allows the Colonial warrior to recharge his vital energies. Shaving it is the trigger that sets him in motion, and once he gets moving, there's no Cylon who's ass he can't kick. The Adamastache is frakking awesome. So say we all!

1) Lando Calrissian - the Star Wars movies
Long ago, he was the suavest under-the-radar-city administrator and freighter pilot in a galaxy far, far away. And he joined the Rebellion and blew up the Death Star 2. Blew. Up. A. Death Star. While wearing a moustache. It just doesn't get any cooler than that.